I am who I am!

I AM WHO I AM NVogue

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Every single journey in our life begins with the question, who am I? I am the person who everyone goes to for advice, for motivation, for help, for anything they need help with in general. My life revolves around that idea of creating an ease for people that struggle throughout their life in particular. I am a motivator, I am a realist, I am a an introvert, and trust me, the people that know me, they prefer me as being an introvert, because once I show them my true self, Oh GOD how they wish that did not happen; in simple words, I AM WHO I AM.

Our life is filled with missed opportunities, failed attempts, judgmental slurs, anxiety’s, stress, frustration, depression, mental breakdowns, so on and so forth. My idea of life is to treat it with the same attitude that we treat others around us. I mean, all we want from others is respect, right? Then why not simply treat others with respect, even though many people would differ with me with this idea because they have been slashed into pieces by having this sort of a positive attitude for others. But trust me, even though you struggle to have respect in your life, things will turn your way even, believe it.
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“Live your life like is the last thing you’re ever going to do in this world.”

Let’s begin with a little insight of my life and my story.

IMG_1298 From the beginning of my life, I was loved with everything and anything my family had. My life started of firstly by helping my brother into finally stop crying and actually letting my mother sleep for a change. As told by my mother, my brother was a mess before I was born, and by mess I mean, all the yelling, crying, forcing things to be his way or the highway. And then finally came an angel in his life which helped him into being a better child for my mother to handle. This went on for about 3 years, and after that we shifted to another city once again which caused everything to disperse into ash like particles floating into thin air. After coming into this whole new world with a completely new environment of it’s own and not actually knowing anything at all since I was 4 years old, I bound to know nothing.

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My schooling started from Jhelum, where my father had his business, and after shifting from Lahore, our struggles continued. We moved back to Jhelum, because of a couple of reasons, the first was of course my father’s business, the second reason was that my father wanted a better future for me and my brother, and to not witness all of the problems that my father faced in his life; he wanted to get over and done with this small city and move back to our original home, Lahore. After working through blood and sweat, we finally moved back to Lahore. This time he wanted to make sure that everything was done accordingly so we can live an easy life, and through hard-work and determination, my father achieved that goal within a couple of years, and once again we were finally stable.

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All of it was a dream until it was finally achieved. A little you should know about my father, he is the kind of man who doesn’t save for a rainy day, instead he lives in the present and spends it with great joy. As soon as our life came back on track, he spent on us like his livelihood depended on it. He took us on trips to London, Malaysia, Bahrain, and Thailand. And we felt like we were on top of the world. He gave us everything that we never even asked for, and yet they were always there as soon as we came home.

Then came a life altering moment that we were not ready for. They say, “What goes up, must come down.” We faced an economic downturn that we did not expect to come soon, but it was bound to happen. After the fall of 2007, we faced a crisis on our hands. My father, and my entire family faced this trauma with a zero percent of optimism. Unfortunately we were never able to get back from it. My father taught me many things in my life, and some of those things were related to the crisis we faced. I held myself high throughout the years, but was never able to recover from the psychological stress it caused me.

“In the dark path lies ahead greater light than what is expected.”

My life took a turn when this crisis was upon my like a brick being slapped across my face. I used to be this happy child, with no worries in the world, and always entertaining every single person I met. I used to be the clown of the family, and there wasn’t a day that my friends and family didn’t enjoy my stupidity and my jokes. And then the crisis came upon me. Facing this crisis at the age of 11 and for the following years was and still is the hardest thing that I ever had to face. Just imagine, an 11 year old facing this crisis after his father telling him everything that they faced, and for him to even digest this after having everything, into losing everything he ever had, his childhood, his friends, his belongings, and most importantly his life.

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During this time period, I never celebrated my birthday, I never once tried to make a joke or even laugh with a true heart. Everything was finished and done with. I changed as a human being. I became more cruel then I could even imagine, I never spoke until I was spoken to, I lost my life in a blink of an eye. I became more and more depressed and frustrated with everything that has been happening in my life. I lost the site of happiness at a very young age. And there are a couple of problems with me that I wish I could have gotten rid of, but no matter how hard I tried, they became bigger and bigger until finally they blew up in my face. I have this problem of thinking, and not just thinking about my life, if anyone came to me with a problem of their own, I kept on thinking about it until or unless it was finished, and I still have this problem, I overthink. This has caused me more problems then this whole crisis all together. I had and still have a severe back problem. I developed this problem at the age of 7 and it never ended. And on top of it all, I had a serious high blood pressure problem.

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“I don’t know anything anymore. Is that normal? Is it normal to notice the enormity of everything and just go blank?”
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Throughout my life, I learned that you have to be prepared for everything that your life comes up with. I LOST!

Then came a huge overturn in my life. I was still facing the crisis, but now except for being alone, there were a couple of people that helped me into becoming a more positive person and to help me face my problems with great hope for the betterment of my future. I still remember the day when I met them at first, excluding my parents and brother, I asked them once that what did they see when they first met me, and most of them respondent that, they saw this broken person who fixed himself up with regular scotch tapes, and I’m not making up this up, these are the words of my friends. They helped me into fixing this broken person with concrete.

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I’ve known some of these people for the past 13 years, 7 years, and 3 years. And it seems like they were the only ones that I ever needed in my entire life. They did what no other human being could do, what I couldn’t do myself, they made a better human being.

All of this is only meaningful if you understand the point of it all. There are a couple of things that I wanted to let people know.

– Live your life like its the last thing you’ll ever do.

– Don’t lose hope, we all struggle, just lift yourself up and be as bold as you can be.

– Don’t be afraid of people judging you, because whether you have it all or, when you have nothing, they will still judge you.

– Never lose out on those people that have changed your life completely.

–  Don’t be afraid to let everything out, those that matter to you will always be by your side.

– And lastly,  Just Live.

I am Mian Muhammad Awais Sajjad, I’m an introvert, a broken man that is healed on a daily basis, a man trying to fix what was never his to heal, I am in a struggle between either helping myself or helping others; and I choose helping others every time. And lastly, I have a heart as big as the ocean, and if you don’t believe me just ask the people that know me.

I AM WHO I AM!

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Author: Awais Sajjad

I am 21, currently studying at the Lahore School of Economics, a bit bold, obsessed with people, who likes to write, watch movies, learn about the daily struggles of life.

4 thoughts on “I am who I am!”

  1. Dear Mian Sahab,
    Your writing is absolutely remarkable. Although at some poinit, I though that you were pretty full of yourself, but besides that I think it is a very appealing piece. I might have some scotch tape on me, let me know if you ever need a hand to fix that self absorbedness. Actually, I’m just pulling your leg. This is very well written. Before I leave I would like to qoute something- something you can take from me.
    “Door dunya ko mere dum se andheera hojaye, har jaga mere chamakne se ujala hojaye.”
    -Allama Iqbal
    P.S. You are the Tinker Bell of your own little world, all you need is some pixie dust.

    Like

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